I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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