Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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