Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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