You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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