the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
