My Higher Power is John Stamos
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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