My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
We're not piercing ourselves today.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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