Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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