that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
