Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
