Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
