Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
You are the jesus of drinking
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
