I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
