dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
