the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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