can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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