just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
