im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
