There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Randomize
