sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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