I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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