I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Randomize