I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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