I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
