I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
