the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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