I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize