no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
