i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
