you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
