So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
it was like eating out sand paper
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
