I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Randomize
