There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
