God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
