your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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