Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
