My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize