Your tits are I can't wait for
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
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