I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
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