dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I'm way too hungover for life right now
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
