found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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