wrigley field is MILF paradise
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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