You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Just high enough for therapy.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
