You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
