In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize