if i can run in heels then i can drive
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
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