I like my sex mixed with concussions.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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