I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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