I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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