$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize