Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
