ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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