I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
