I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
