Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
