my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
