the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Randomize
