I'm drive I can fine osifer
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
