Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
