What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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