Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
