When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
