I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
