I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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