when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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